Archive for February, 2012

Some of you out there say that it can’t be done?
But there are those of you out there that know damn well it can be.
So for the nay sayers scram.
And for the ya sayers read on.
Now my current diet consists of mainly nicotine, alcohol and at light sprinkling of caffeine.
To be perfectly honest the only reason there is any kind of trace of caffeine in me diet is well because ya have to keep your buzz going.
And sometimes ya needs a little jump start so to speak.
Now alcohol once consumed in masses that would kill a mere mortal tends to hmm how can I say this lightly kind of slow your responses so to speak for even gods like myself.
And living in a room with a floor made out of rice straw and drinking 24/7 one can kind of see a tad bit of a fire hazard on the horizon?
So in order to make sure me ashes from my dart make it into the human skull I use for an ashtray (and no it is not real…. or is it……hahaha) I have to consume some sort of neutralizer that keeps me motor functions running like a…. well lets just say running.
So in comes the best thing since VHS tapes.
Now you might be wondering why am I going down the VHS tape path.
Well because with the invention of the VHS tapes you were finally able to watch porn at home in the comfort of your own home and not have a super 8 projector.
Now with the internet you can do all of your porn watching right on your puter. Which reminds me I really have to clean this keyboard the space bar is sticking 😉
Some of you may say the invention of electricity or the automobile or the polio vaccine. (Ok I am stretching it a bit thin there) may be the best invention that man has ever made.
But come on people.
Previous to the VHS tape you had to go to a theater with the rain coat greasy haired pervs and be surrounded by the sound of macaroni being swirled around in a pot. (Just close your eyes and imagine it, you know what I am saying)
So can I get an amen for the invention of the VHS tape.
I said CAN I GET A AMEN FOR THE INVENTION OF THE VHS TAPE.
Since people ya has to know how porn has evolved through the ages.
I thinks people are spoiled these days. Just pressing a button and typing in 4 or 5 letters and Bam you have access to some of the best porn collections on the planet.
Note I said some of the best porn collections.
Since I have in me possession the BEST porn collection.
Enough said.
Cheers bitches it’s time for a dart and a suntory blast! Good times!

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Top 10 reasons why you should not come to Japan to work

  1. You will more than likely be wiping snotty kids noses than teaching English.
  2. If you don’t know any Japanese and we don’t mean good morning and how much is this you are going to hate it.
  3. If you are coming to Japan to make money you have over shot the mark. You have to go West to Korea since that is where the money is being made these days.
  4. Once again referring back to the language thing if you can’t read Japanese (and we are talking Kanji here folks) you may make the mistake of buying some food that glows a nice lime green in the dark.
  5. The old story of getting all kinds of hot Japanese chicks….. well sorry to burst your bubble but the only tail you will be getting is the 30+ crowd aka the freaks of Japanese society. Since in Japan if you are a woman and haven’t been snapped up by 30 well…. lets put it this way things ain’t looking so good for ya.
  6. Unless you live in Okinawa you are going to hate the fact that you can see your own breath inside your apartment in the winter time.
  7. Ah summer time when you get crammed inside a nice packed full train filled with guys wearing 3 piece suits and no pit grease (get where I am going with this one 😉
  8. You will be without any true friendships like you had back at home. Oh trust us the Japanese will come crawling out of the woodwork to be your friend so you can be their shiny new English speaking friend. Ahhh thanks but no thanks.
  9. You will suddenly be 3 years old once again not being able to do anything without someone assisting you. (Get the hydro hooked up, get a cell phone, get an apartment good luck with that one unless you don’t mind living in the leper colony apartments they have set up specifically the “foreigners.”
  10. Imagine a country not a state the size of ummm California with a population of  over 125 million people in it….need I say more.

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Now for anyone whom as ever made the trip over here to Japan one thing that pretty  much everyone and their dog notices is the over abundance of high end brand items.

You would be pretty hard pressed to not walk down the streets of any city and see those damn ugly brown and gold LV bags.

Be it purses,wallets, backpacks you name it you will see the brown ugliness pretty much everywhere you look.

Now if you are completely unfamiliar with the Japanese culture and live for example in the United States your first thought would be man there is a whole shit load of fake LV over here.

Well I am not naive enough to not think that some of them yes are knock offs but a vast majority of them are real as the day is long.

Which would leave on to think then how the hell are they able to afford all of that stuff?

Well folks the reality is that most Japanese live with their folks rent free and when I say rent free I mean an all inclusive package.

Their mama’s still do their laundry prepare their lunches and some even pay for their cell phones.

Yet they are working at a full time job bringing in around 2-3 grand a month

Yes folks life ain’t so bad in Japan.

So with that kind of cash lying around they can afford to pay the outrageous prices for that brown ugliness.

That and eat out and go drinking pretty much anytime they want.

Now some of you might be thinking well what happens if you get yourself a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Well that ain’t a problem over here either since Japan has you covered via their love hotels.

The hotels that you rent by the hour to do the deed.

Since chances are if your mother is a house wife she ain’t going to be going out for any extended periods of time that you can get together with your significant other and bump uglies.
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Well there is definitely no doubt what  number 1 is or shall I say was.

1. Gimp Ultimate fighting.

Had Sky Perfect (satellite in Japan) a few years back and was flipping through the channels when I came across this gem.

To be honest the film quality was that of a European snuff flick. Dark lighting and very poor picture quality. So there they are two guys sitting in the ring or square or what ever the fuck it was. Any how they were both sitting on their asses on some wrestling mats. One guy had his legs tapped together and had some UFC style fighting mitts on. While the other guy had no fucking legs! I shit you not. He did have some fighting mitts on though. So then this guy comes out in a striped referee and yells lets get it on (ok that part did not happen but it sure makes for a fucking kick ass story doesn’t it)  So needless to stay these 2 guys are sliding around on the mats trying to beat the shit out of each other. So I grabbed some Dorito’s and my cold Asahi and hunkered  down for the freak show. Man that shit was just plain ass disturbing but that didn’t prevent me from watching every single fucking minute of it. Good times!

2. Now this shit happened way back when I first came to check out Japan around 10 years ago. For all of you soccer or football fans out there this will show you what it is really like over here.

Now for anyone who follows that lame ass sport known as soccer there are some over zealous fans perhaps in Europe? aka hooligans some might say…

Well the Japanese media got a whiff and got the Japanese people in a frenzy about all of the hooligans coming to Japan to watch soccer?? Ya right unemployed alcoholics whom live in Europe are suddenly going to be able to scrounge together enough money to fly, stay and watch a soccer match in Japan. Not bloody likely.

So on the evening news there was this reporter who took it upon himself to go up to Caucasian males walking down the streets of Tokyo with their team jersey on and ask them. And I quote “are you a hooligan?” Good times in Japan oh ya.

3. This was actually a show that I quite enjoyed but went off the air a few years back for the life of me I can’t remember the name of it but I always referred to it as the “bimbo show.”

Now before you get all hot and bothered “bimbo” in Japan means broke ass poor. Since as I always says there ain’t nothing more funny that laughing at others misfortune. Good times!

So the premise of the show was these hosts went on a hunt to see who could find the person living in the most squalled shanty town style housing imaginable.

Then they would all meet up on the show and show their finds to the masses. And have themselves a good old laugh. And the host that found the worst living conditions won.

Hmm I often wonder why this type of show never made it back home in  the U.S.??  Since it had all of the features of a great show.  Funny check entertaining checkaroo degrading and inhumane… hmmm maybe that is the problem.

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